Throughout my walk with God, there have been times when I’ve been reminded of how easy life seemed before I made the choice to follow Jesus. When faith requires something of me, the past can begin to look more comfortable than it really was. I remember the freedom to do what I wanted, without giving much thought to where it was taking me.
But there’s something missing from that memory. I remember how easy life seemed, but I forget how empty I felt when I didn’t have Jesus living inside me.
That’s an incomplete way to remember a life. It’s easy to look back at a few enjoyable moments and let them represent the whole story. The laughter comes to mind before the loneliness. The things I could do come to mind before the questions I couldn’t answer. After a while, a life I once wanted to leave can begin to look like a place worth returning to.
I need to remember it honestly.
There are times when I sit in silence in a room full of people. Conversations are happening around me, but inside, I feel distant from all of it. Silence like that can be deafening. Being surrounded by people doesn’t always mean feeling connected, and having something to do doesn’t always mean having peace.
Proverbs 14:13 says, “Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful; and the end of that mirth is heaviness.”
That verse leaves room for something we don’t always know how to explain. A person can laugh and still hurt. We can enjoy a moment without that moment reaching the deeper places in us. What people see on the outside may be real, but it may not be the whole story.
I don’t want to write as though following Jesus means I never experience loneliness or struggle anymore. I still have difficult days. There are still things I don’t understand, prayers I’m waiting on, and moments when obedience asks more of me than I feel ready to give.
Faith hasn’t made me immune to those things. It has given me Someone to turn to in the middle of them.
In John 6, many of Jesus’ disciples walked away. His teaching had become difficult for them to accept. When Jesus asked the twelve whether they would also leave, Peter answered, “Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life” (John 6:68).
I keep coming back to that question. Where would I go?
I may remember a life that seemed easier, but I also need to remember what that life couldn’t give me. Going back would mean returning to the same emptiness I’ve been tempted to leave out of the story. That emptiness drove me to substance abuse and led me to neglect my wife and kids. It seemed to grow larger every day, until Jesus spoke to me and filled the emptiness that only He could fill.
Peter’s answer helps me put my own struggles in perspective. There can be difficulty in following Jesus, but there is life in Him that I haven’t found anywhere else. A hard season doesn’t erase what He has done, and a tired mind doesn’t always give a fair account of the past.
When those memories come, I want to slow down long enough to remember the whole picture. I want to remember why I needed Jesus in the first place. I want to remember the emptiness, along with the ease.
I still know what loneliness feels like. The difference is that I no longer believe I am alone.
That’s something I don’t want to forget when following Him becomes difficult. I have a reason to keep walking, even when I’m tired. Jesus has given me life, and I don’t want a selective memory to make me lose sight of it.
